Wise Christmas Advice

You know those anonymous and random email messages that get forwarded to (and from) everybody you know?  The ones that you delete without reading, just as a matter of principle?  Well, for some reason, I read this one, and in the true spirit of “using the Internet to waste time”, I am posting it here for you.  🙂  It is wise advice to follow, as you navigate your way through the sometimes confusing maze of Christmas eating opportunities.  So … on to the free advice (#2 and #3 are especially near to my heart) …

  1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.  Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of  gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
  7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
  8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.  When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
  10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Don’t say this web site doesn’t offer good advice for life …

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2 Replies to “Wise Christmas Advice”

  1. What ever happened to every thing in moderation? A little onion and garlic powder in the potatoes is better then MSG to bring out the flavor in gravy.I love Christmas baking so I do, as Garfield does, Dessert first. Cheers and Merry Christmas everyone.

    1. Moderation is not relevant when we are talking about potatoes, gravy, turkey, perogies, farmer sausage, homemade bbq’d hamburgers, watermelon, apple pie, salmon, and just about any other food that I like. Hmm … now that I look at the list, I could add homemade pizza, meatloaf, steak and crab … oops, I better stop before I make myself hungry again. Maybe I should get a gym membership for Christmas. Ya, right! 🙂

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